foundationKiss for Six Seconds
Hold a kiss for six full seconds upon reunion; let oxytocin reset your nervous system.
⏱ 6s⚡ Low
Transition Rituals
Protocol
The Connection Builder
Stop drifting apart. Start depositing. 34 micro-habits that build the emotional bank account Gottman found in Masters of relationships.
Does this sound familiar?
- You've become roommates who coordinate logistics rather than lovers who connect.
- Greetings are pecks and 'how was your day' gets a one-word answer.
- Small resentments accumulate because repair never happens.
- You know less about their inner world than you did five years ago.
- Conflict escalates to yelling before either of you can think clearly.
- The 'date nights' feel forced; the daily moments feel empty.
Old Way
- Wait for 'quality time' on weekends
- Peck hello while scrolling your phone
- Defend your tone when called out
- Ask 'How was your day?' and accept 'fine'
- Try to 'fix' their problems
- Let small slights accumulate for months
New Way
- Deposit through micro-moments all day
- Six-second kiss with full presence
- Request a do-over and rephrase calmly
- Ask about the specific event you learned about this morning
- Validate emotions without offering solutions
- Repair within 24 hours, every time
Cognitive Shutdown
100BPM
Cortisol Half-Life
20MIN
Oxytocin Threshold
6SEC
Prediction Accuracy
94%
The Neurobiology of Friction
Love is biology, not just emotion. Dr. Gottman found that when your heart rate hits 100 BPM during conflict, you experience 'Flooding'—your prefrontal cortex shuts down, making empathy physiologically impossible. The only solution is a 20-minute break to let cortisol metabolize. Conversely, a 6-second kiss is the minimum threshold to spike oxytocin and lower stress.
"Love is not a noun; it is a verb. Specifically, it is a series of micro-verbs—asking, touching, listening, greeting, and repairing—repeated with consistency.
Mechanism
The Four Systems of Connection
Click a system to explore its habits
Transition Rituals
The threshold moments—waking, parting, returning, sleeping—are where connection lives or dies. Ritualize them.
Appreciation Engine
Contempt is the predictor of divorce. Its antidote is active, specific, repeated appreciation and capitalization of joy.
Repair Mechanics
69% of conflicts are perpetual. Masters differ not by having fewer fights, but by repairing faster and softer.
Attunement Protocol
Love Maps decay unless updated. Stay curious about their inner world through daily check-ins and open questions.
Progression
Habit Tiers
Tier 1
Foundation
The daily deposits: 6-second kiss, enthusiastic greeting, appreciation shower, bedtime gratitude, soft startup. Non-negotiable baseline.
Tier 2
Growth
Expanding the practice: morning coffee anchor, digital disconnect, nostalgia texts, public praise, listening without fixing.
Tier 3
Mastery
Real-time awareness: catching turn-aways, detecting flooding before 100 BPM, weekly state of the union, knowing their top three stressors.
Tier 4Peak
Titan
Deep integration: 5:1 ratio tracking, 24-hour repair rule, shared meaning rituals, four-point transition protocol.
Getting Started
Step01
Week 1: Secure the Transitions
Start with the doorway. Greet with enthusiasm. Kiss for six seconds. These are the fastest deposits.
Step02
Week 2: Build the Appreciation Habit
Add the daily gratitude bookend. Shower them with three appreciations. Respond actively to good news.
Step03
Week 3: Install Repair Protocols
Agree on a safe word. Practice soft startup. Request do-overs immediately.
Step04
Week 4: Calibrate Daily Attunement
Run the daily temperature check. Ask love map questions. Know their current stressors.
Step05
Start with the Morning Protocol
Morning coffee anchor + parting inquiry + nostalgia text. The first playbook to install.
Step06
View All Foundation Habits
The non-negotiable baseline of connection. Start here if everything feels broken.
A Day in Your Life
Morning Coffee Anchor
06:305-10 minutes of no-device, no-logistics presence together before the day begins.
Parting Inquiry
07:30Learn one specific thing happening in their day. Update your love map.
Nostalgia Text
12:00Send one text referencing a shared memory or inside joke. Reclaim texting from logistics.
Doorway Ritual + 6-Second Kiss
18:00Stop everything. Greet with enthusiasm. Kiss for six seconds. Oxytocin reset.
Follow-Up + Touch of Passing
19:00Ask about the specific event from this morning. Touch whenever you pass.
Daily Temperature Check
21:00Three questions: What went well? Did we miss connections? What do you need tomorrow?
Bedtime Gratitude + 20-Second Hug
22:00One genuine appreciation each. Full-body hug for 20 seconds. Sleep in 'we-ness.'
Glossary
01
Bid
Any attempt from one partner to another for affirmation, attention, affection, or connection. Can be verbal or non-verbal.
02
Turn Toward
The act of acknowledging and responding positively to a bid. Masters do this 86% of the time.
03
Flooding
Physiological overwhelm during conflict (heart rate >100 BPM) where the frontal cortex goes offline. Repair is impossible in this state.
04
Active Constructive Responding
Enthusiastic engagement with positive news—eye contact, questions, amplification. The only response style that builds connection.
05
Love Map
The cognitive database of your partner's inner world: their fears, dreams, stressors, joys. Degrades without updates.
06
Soft Startup
Beginning a difficult conversation with 'I feel... I need...' rather than 'You always...' to avoid triggering defensiveness.
07
5:1 Ratio
Gottman's Magic Ratio: five positive interactions for every one negative. The threshold for relationship stability.
08
Emotional Bank Account
The metaphor for accumulated trust and goodwill. Deposits (bids turned toward) build buffer against withdrawals (conflict).
When Conflict Happens
Notice Flooding
T+0Heart racing? Voice rising? Tunnel vision? You're flooding. Productive words are now impossible.
Use Safe Word
T+1sSay your agreed word calmly. No last words. No 'just one more thing.' Stop immediately.
Separate and Regulate
T+20m20 minutes minimum. Breathe. Walk. Let cortisol metabolize. Your frontal cortex needs to come back online.
Soft Startup
T+30mReturn with 'I feel... I need...' not 'You always...' Invite them to be a hero, not a villain.
Hold Hands While Talking
T+45mPhysical touch during repair releases oxytocin. Hard to stay aggressive toward someone you're holding.
Complete Repair
T+24hBefore 24 hours pass, ensure the repair is complete. Never let conflicts calcify into resentment.
What Others Say
Testimonials
We went from 'how was your day?' 'fine' to actual conversations because I started asking about the specific thing from that morning. Such a small change.
The Parting Inquiry
Love Map Update
I don't wait for quality time. I deposit in micro-moments.
Frequently Asked Questions
Protocol Playbooks
Curated sequences of habits designed to be practiced together. Click a playbook to see its cards in the deck below.
3 cards
Morning Connection
Coffee anchor + parting inquiry + nostalgia text. Start the day depositing.
Anchor with Morning Coffee
Ask About Their Day Before Parting
Send a Nostalgia Text
4 cards
Doorway Protocol
The reunion ritual: enthusiasm + kiss + digital disconnect + touch.
Greet with Enthusiasm
Kiss for Six Seconds
Disconnect Digitally for 10 Minutes
+1 more habits
4 cards
Appreciation Sprint
Three appreciations + active constructive responding + bedtime gratitude.
Shower Them with Three Appreciations
Respond Actively and Constructively
End the Day with Gratitude
+1 more habits
6 cards
Conflict Recovery
When things get heated: soft startup + safe word + do-over + hand hold + repair.
Start Soft with 'I Feel... I Need'
Use Your Safe Word
Request a Do-Over
+3 more habits
4 cards
Weekly Reset
State of the union + stressor review + love map deep-dive.
Conduct a Weekly State of the Union
Know Their Current Top Three Stressors
Ask a Love Map Question
+1 more habits
Quests
Challenges to accelerate your transformation. Click a quest to see its target cards.
Initiation
The Blueprint Initiation
Establish the daily rhythm of connection through six-second kisses, enthusiastic greetings, and bedtime gratitude rituals.
"Dismantle the 'Roommate' syndrome. Lay the first bricks of a resilient, dyadic structure designed for intimacy."
FOUNDATION tier streak for 7 days
6 cards
View Quest Cards
System Mastery
The Repair Engine Overhaul
Master every repair mechanic from soft startups to 24-hour post-conflict recovery protocols for total emotional safety.
"Conflict is data, not a defect. Build the systems to process friction without causing structural damage."
Complete Repair Mechanics system
9 cards
View Quest Cards
Titan Trial
The Shared Meaning Monolith
Engage in a deep-dive session to document your shared values, goals, and rituals for a unified life.
"Move beyond daily maintenance. Design the grand architecture of your shared future and lasting legacy."
Complete TITAN tier
1 cards
View Quest Cards
The Full Deck
31 habits across 4 core systems
Systems:
Playbooks:
foundation
foundationGreet with Enthusiasm
Stop everything, turn your whole body toward your partner, and verbally welcome them home.
⏱ 1m⚡ Low
Transition Rituals
foundationAsk About Their Day Before Parting
Learn one specific thing happening in their day before you separate; update your love map.
⏱ 2m⚡ Low
Transition Rituals
growthAnchor with Morning Coffee
Spend 5-10 minutes drinking coffee together with no devices and no logistical talk.
⏱ 10m⚡ Medium
Transition Rituals
growthDisconnect Digitally for 10 Minutes
Upon reunion, put phones away for the first 10 minutes; protect the doorway ritual.
⏱ 10m⚡ Medium
Transition Rituals
growthTouch in Passing
Whenever you pass your partner in the home, make brief physical contact.
⏱ 2s⚡ Low
Transition Rituals
masterySynchronize Breath in the 20-Second Hug
Hold a full-body hug for 20 seconds and synchronize your breathing with your partner.
⏱ 20s⚡ Low
Transition Rituals
titanRitualize All Four Transition Points
Create distinct rituals for waking, parting, reunion, and bedtime; never rush through thresholds.
⏱ N/A⚡ High
Transition Rituals
foundationRespond Actively and Constructively
Stop what you're doing, make eye contact, and ask a follow-up question after good news.
⏱ 2m⚡ Low
Appreciation Engine
foundationShower Them with Three Appreciations
Once daily, express three rapid-fire gratitude statements about your partner's actions.
⏱ 2m⚡ Low
Appreciation Engine
foundationEnd the Day with Gratitude
Before falling asleep, each partner states one thing they appreciated about the other that day.
⏱ 2m⚡ Low
Appreciation Engine
growthSend a Nostalgia Text
Send one text daily that references a shared memory or inside joke, not logistics.
⏱ 1m⚡ Low
Appreciation Engine
growthPraise Them Publicly
When with friends or family, explicitly praise your partner to the third party.
⏱ N/A⚡ Medium
Appreciation Engine
masteryCatch Yourself Turning Away
When you notice yourself ignoring a bid, pause immediately and turn toward.
⏱ 30s⚡ Medium
Appreciation Engine
titanMaintain the 5:1 Ratio Daily
Track and ensure five positive interactions for every one negative interaction today.
⏱ N/A⚡ High
Appreciation Engine
foundationStart Soft with 'I Feel... I Need'
Replace 'You' criticism with 'I feel [emotion] when [situation]. I need [specific action].'
⏱ 1m⚡ Medium
Repair Mechanics
foundationUse Your Safe Word
Agree on a neutral safe word; when spoken, stop the argument for 20 minutes minimum.
⏱ N/A⚡ Low
Repair Mechanics
foundationRequest a Do-Over
If you snap or speak harshly, immediately ask 'Can I have a do-over?' and rephrase calmly.
⏱ 1m⚡ Medium
Repair Mechanics
growthHold Hands During Hard Conversations
During disagreements, maintain gentle physical contact like holding hands or touching knees.
⏱ N/A⚡ Medium
Repair Mechanics
growthFrame It as 'Us vs. The Problem'
Verbally reframe the stress source as a shared enemy: 'It's us vs. the budget.'
⏱ 2m⚡ Medium
Repair Mechanics
growthListen Without Fixing
When your partner vents about external stress, validate emotions and take their side without offering solutions.
⏱ 5m⚡ Medium
Repair Mechanics
masteryCatch Flooding Before 100 BPM
Learn to recognize physiological flooding (racing heart, tunnel vision) and call timeout before it peaks.
⏱ N/A⚡ High
Repair Mechanics
masteryAccept Influence
When your partner makes a request or complaint, look for the valid kernel and yield on it.
⏱ N/A⚡ High
Repair Mechanics
titanRepair Within 24 Hours
After any conflict, ensure a complete repair conversation happens before 24 hours pass.
⏱ 15m⚡ High
Repair Mechanics
foundationRun the Daily Temperature Check
Ask three questions daily: What went well? Did we miss connections? What do you need tomorrow?
⏱ 5m⚡ Low
Attunement Protocol
foundationAsk a Love Map Question
Ask one open-ended question daily that has nothing to do with logistics.
⏱ 2m⚡ Low
Attunement Protocol
growthFollow Up on Their Day's Event
In the evening, reference the specific event you asked about during the parting inquiry.
⏱ 2m⚡ Low
Attunement Protocol
growthName the Underlying Need
When your partner makes a request or complaint, reflect back the emotional need beneath it.
⏱ 2m⚡ Medium
Attunement Protocol
masteryConduct a Weekly State of the Union
Have a 30-minute structured conversation weekly to review appreciations, regrets, and upcoming needs.
⏱ 30m⚡ High
Attunement Protocol
masteryKnow Their Current Top Three Stressors
At any moment, be able to name your partner's three biggest current stressors.
⏱ N/A⚡ Medium
Attunement Protocol
titanBuild a Shared Meaning System
Discuss and document your shared values, rituals, goals, and 'couple culture' explicitly.
⏱ 1h⚡ High
Attunement Protocol
Sources & References
External reading that informed this stack.
- 01
The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work
Dr. John Gottman
gottman.com
- 02
What Do You Do When Things Go Right? The Intrapersonal and Interpersonal Benefits of Sharing Positive Events
Dr. Shelly Gable et al. (Journal of Personality and Social Psychology)
psycnet.apa.org
- 03
The Gottman Institute: Bids and Turning Toward
Gottman Institute
gottman.com
- 04
The Relationship Cure: A 5 Step Guide to Strengthening Your Marriage
Dr. John Gottman
gottman.com
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